It’s been awhile, readers. I got a teaching job. A week after school started. For all of you who don’t speak “teacher”, that means that your current life of being able to do things like sleep in and read books is replaced by a 20 hour day of typing, laminating, cutting, planning, planning, planning, et cetera. It felt as if I had thrown into a whirlwind, not knowing which was was up.
And it was hard.
Now, I’m not ignorant to the fact that the spectrum of hard stretches wide. I get that. I do. And I respect it. But acknowledgement that things are more difficult for others does not ease my own hard. Sometimes it helps with perspective, but it does not help heal that deep rooted hurt that results from circumstance.
This time the circumstance really did hurt.
What could possible hurt so much about getting a new job? It’s a wonderful thing! It’s a great opportunity! And you are right. It is…and I am thankful for it. But I went from spending every day playing with that little blonde haired light of my life to handing him over to strangers for 10 hours a day, seeing him a total of maybe 3 hours a day awake. It absolutely crushed me from the inside out. And it didn’t help that we went through 4 babysitters between my two boys in a matter of three weeks. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on over and over and over.
It honestly shocked the heck out of me. I was not expecting to be so broken over it. I really didn’t quite know how to handle it. And most didn’t know anything was different. On the surface I am a consistent picture of competence and self-assuredness. But I’m a two way mirror, watching you see me the way I want you to, judging your reactions and altering my demeanor if need be. There are maybe 4 or 5 people in the world who will normally know if I am having a difficult time. But even from them I shy away from condolence. I hate pity because, in my mind, that is a reaction to weakness. And although pity and sympathy are not rooted in the same intention, the thought of them overlapping even a little kind of makes my stomach knot up. Whatever is easier for everyone else is the lie I constantly tell myself. And sometimes that catches up to me. It definitely caught up to me this time, and it really did almost break me.
But I got up and dusted off those big girl panties that had been hiding back in my closet from when my husband deployed the last time (which, btw, was over a year and a half ago….simply unheard of in our family history…).
The whirlwind I felt in the beginning seems to be reduced now to a tropical storm, of sorts. 20 hour days are now 17. I have graduated from full day to day lesson plans to week-long. We are on the waiting list for the CDC on base and have a temporary babysitter for little man in the meantime. The hubs is going TDY this weekend and will be gone until shortly before Christmas. Okay, that part sucks, but it could always be worse. At least he’ll be here for Christmas.
There are more silver linings, and I really do try to look for them, even in a storm: I have a wonderful group of students; my baby boy is now very comfortable with his babysitter and no longer cries when I leave (Gah, isn’t that the worst?! So glad that stage is over…); my 6 year old is attending my school, so I get to go see him at lunch and give him a hug and kiss; my parents are coming to visit for Thanksgiving!
So a transition it has been. But we are moving forward and figuring it all out one step at a time, together. Thankful for a husband who cleans the house without being asked, picks up my boy from school so I can attend planning meetings, and asks “How can I help?” when my eyes are puffy and my nose is running from doing the ugly cry. He’s a good man. The best, actually.
Glad to be back. Cheers.
2 Comments
I LOVE this… but it makes me sad too… PLEASE let me know when I can help – I'm a great hugger and am not above having a good ugly cry with a friend! You're doing great – but don't be afraid to ask for help!! We're blessed to have you on our team <3
That is a HUGE change, but I'm so glad that you're able to find the silver linings!