I debated on writing this post because I didn’t want it to seem like I had something to prove because I don’t. Truthfully, I planned on this post being about how going back to work after having a baby is hard but it is the right decision for some people. I had my points all planned out, my clever phrases jotted down. But this morning as I drove my five year old to daycare I realized that in less than a week this whole going back to work thing would become tangible and not just an idea that’s been lingering in the back of my brain. In a matter of a five minute drive my confidence in my own thoughts had flown out the window. And in all honesty, it wasn’t that much confidence.
You’d think I’d be used to this. I’ve had a child and have been working while that child goes to daycare for five years. Maybe it’s because it’s been so long, or maybe something like this you never just get used to, I’m not sure. What I am sure of is my feelings, and I am very, very torn.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore my job. There is something about being the catalyst in causing the gleam in a child’s eye when they first learn something that sends my heart soaring. I love every one of my students so much, and when I am in front of them doing my thing I am all in, 100%. But as much as I love my students, I will always love my own kids more.
This week has felt like the week before a deployment. If you are not military, it’s almost more stressful and unpleasant than when your spouse actually deploys. There’s this looming, dense gray that settles over everything as the impending event creeps closer. The house is usually more quiet than normal; not as much is said because thoughts always prevail in such situations. And the time you should be spending together as a family is trumped by the packing of pelican cases and military gear. I’ve been in this same mindset all week.
Maybe it’s the military man in my hubs that keeps him more grounded than me, or maybe it’s just the Y chromosome. Just the other day Thing 2 was finally asleep and we had cooking to do and other various things in the kitchen/living room. Hubs took the baby’s car seat, which he was sleeping in, into the nursery where it was dark and quiet and left him there. LEFT HIM. I looked at my husband incredulously. How could he put our son out of our visual proximity? I was itching to check on him every two minutes after that. Another day the baby was having a ridiculously dramatic fit and would not calm down. I was beside myself with frustration, so Ian took him upstairs so the screaming wasn’t so loud. I started cooking and was doing my thing when I see him walking down the stairs…alone. After asking him where our son was he said he was in the bouncer upstairs–AWAKE– listening to some white noise he had found on his iPad. (The screaming had stopped, but that is totally beside the point.) My baby probably thought everyone abandoned him, right? He might sag too low in the bouncer and wind up falling out….right? These are the thoughts that plague this mom’s mind. I’m not joking.
I know, it’s comical. But it’s the kind of thing that is making this transition so difficult for me. I mean, who better to be there for my son than his mother? After all, I know him as well as I know myself. I know that when he begins to cry after a feeding that whacking him on the butt over and over usually calms him down. I know that I can’t put him down to sleep until he begins his heavy breath cycle, otherwise his eyes will dart right open. I know that when he gets into a deep sleep he breaths 4-5 times, then stops for 7 seconds, then breaths again. No one else knows these things. No one knows him like I do. And no one will love him like I will.
With Thing 1 I remember feeling–and still do feel–like I’m continuously letting go of him little by little, starting with dropping him off at daycare. After that it was weaning him from the breast, then weaning him from co-sleeping with me, and the list goes on. I’m right there again with Thing 2, holding on to every thread of him with a firm mama grip. I began co-sleeping with Thing 2 the first week because I thought it would make it easier for both of us to get sleep, but as Monday creeps closer I realize it’s actually my selfish way of holding on to some of his threads.
So why am I going back to work? We are moving to Germany in February and I won’t be working past the end of December anyway. That means I have four months of work. I guess I could read that sentence as a pessimist and as an optimist. With the glass half empty view that is four months of letting other people care for my son most of the day, five days a week. My life will be hectic as I juggle a kindergartener, an infant, and a full time job. I might miss opportunities for me to go see K at his school or chaperone on field trips. On the optimistic side, however, it’s only four months; after that I will have eight dedicated months to my boys-maybe more if I don’t wind up getting a job in Germany. It’s four months, but it is four months of a paycheck.
Thus brings me to the origin of this post. Some women do not have the luxury of choosing whether to go back to work or not, and to them my heart reaches out because I know that given the choice a vast majority of them would choose to stay home while their kids are young. I, however, have a choice. We have set ourselves up in a way that would allow us to be able to deal with me taking time off work, although it would mean selling our cars and going on a very restrictive budget. It’s not that I’m unwilling to do that. But because of my paycheck we have been able to afford a nice house in a safe, gated neighborhood (if you know the area around Ft. Bragg, you know how much that means), and we’ve been able to go on many trips with our son, creating memorable moments for him and us. For instance, because of my job we were able to take a family trip to Charleston over spring break last year where we got to take K sailing. We also took a trip to Asheville for Thanksgiving one year to stay at The Biltmore, which was breathtaking and so fun. Hubs was able to take K on a father-son trip to Charlotte to go to Great Wolf Lodge. We were able to take a 2 week vacation, just the two of us, to the UK, which we will never ever forget. It also allowed me to go back to Texas multiple times in the past two years to spend extra time with family, and it allowed us to take a trip with my family to Disney World for Christmas last year. It also allowed hubs to take me to NYC to go to a writer’s conference I had really wanted to attend, and it will allow me to go to Washington State in November with one of my best friends. We’re able to do all of this without getting into debt because of my job.
When I first think about going back to work, guilt rises like bile in my throat, and I try and push it back down so I don’t have to deal with it. But when I take a moment and step back to look at everything as a much larger picture, I know my job gives us opportunities and experiences as a family that we would not be able to have otherwise, which makes me very grateful. Not only that, but it allows me to have an outlet for my creativity, and it allows my son social interaction that I know is important to his development.
I should mention that the ladies who will be watching Thing 2 are my friends and the absolute best. I could not ask for anyone better to take care of my son, which helps me with this transition exponentially. They all know us and they took impeccable care of K while he was there. I am so blessed by God to have such a wonderful place that I know will love my son so much.
Please forgive all my whining. I normally have a little more pep in my posts, but I’m trying to be honest, and sometimes honesty can be very uncomfortable. Thanks for listening.
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I want to say thank you so much for posting this! You have put into elegant words some of the same thoughts and feelings I have been having. I feel like I've been given a little taste of heaven with Addi this summer and it will all end in a few short days. I struggle and stress about how I will get it all done and not neglect anything when life as a full-time working mom begins again. It's nice to know that I am not alone in my struggle. Thanks for this!
Amanda Willett
Yes, it is helpful to know others are going through the same thoughts and emotions! I hope the transition back is smooth for you, Amanda. We'll get in the groove eventually, but it still doesn't make it easy. Hugs!!
You put tears in my eyes! You are awesome and Lily & I miss you and wish we could meet little Lucas : )
Katie Baumgardner