4 days. In 4 days a new soul will bless our lives. In 4 days everything will change and a new chapter will begin for us. I must admit that up until now it hadn’t completely sunk in. I mean, I’ve realized a baby is coming–it’s kind of hard not to when you waddle like a seal and can barely bend over to tie your shoes–but the birth and beyond was kind of still a distant light in the future. But now, 4 days.
4 days of…
Anxiety… I’ve heard it said that the best part about being induced is you know what to expect, and the worst part about being induced is you know what to expect. Pitocin wreaked havoc on my body last time around and caused me to have constant contractions with no break in between, leading to me getting an epidural. Am I ready to feel intense pain again? Um…negative. Am I ready to be bound to a bed again so I can get some relief? Nope. But it’s not a perfect world. In a perfect world I would never have had Cholestasis and I would know what it feels like to go into labor naturally, to let my boy come when he is ready, to deal with the type of pain that should come with natural labor…not the kind jacked up on steroids. But life throws unexpected curve balls and you just have to learn to wrap your head around them. Well, I’m slowly raising my bat and getting ready to knock ‘em out of the park.
I’m anxious about how I will feel after the birth. I never had any kind of postpartum depression with Kayden, but now that I’m older and this may be the last child Ian and I have, it makes me wonder. I’ve enjoyed this pregnancy (besides the itching). I feel beautiful pregnant, which has been a nice change of pace from how I normally think of myself. I can’t say I’m quite ready to go back to the same level of self-criticism I normally burden myself with, and I’m a little concerned that this time around that along with the insane shift in hormones will leave me a little disheveled.
But more than all of that I’m anxious about my baby being healthy. Thing 1 was put in the NICU for a short time right after birth because they thought he had a severely low white platelet count, which later turned out to be a false reading. I had never felt such fear in my entire life than those few hours. There are so many things that can go wrong that I find myself fretting over them. But all I can do is pray that God grace my son with good health.
Excitement…Well, this is a given. It’s been five and a half years since I have cared for a newborn. The thought of seeing those tiny frog legs and breathing in that powdered baby scent again, is thrilling. I’m excited to watch Thing 1 as a big brother, to see his reaction when he meets his sibling for the first time. Right now I can’t imagine having another boy coming from hubs and me that looks any different from our firstborn. Will he have a lot of hair? Will he be the same size? Will he have the same mannerisms, the same personality, the same sensitive nature? I can’t wait to find out.
Overwhelming Love…Before Thing 1 was born I had heard from other mothers that it was impossible to describe the feeling when you see your child–the very limbs, skin, soul you created–for the very first time. I never knew love as endlessly deep and wide as I did in that first moment I saw my boy. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible to have that same amount of love for another child…if there is enough room in my heart for it, but other mothers assure me there is. What an incredible gift to be able to love so deeply. Thank you, God, for that.
Am I looking forward to being sleep-deprived again, to the juggling act of balancing time between two children, to the house being filled with the sounds of a baby crying along with a dog barking and a preschooler vying for my attention? No. But those things get worked out eventually. All I can think about right now is how the definition of our family is changing, evolving, and becoming more beautiful, ten tiny fingers and toes at a time.
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